How to Handle Chronic Grief Avoidance
“There is no right or wrong way; there is just whatever way gets us through. ”
Sometimes, I wish there was a one-size-fits-all option for grief. Just a little button that we could opt-in to as assurance that everyone gets the same grief experience, and as a result, grief is maybe a little bit easier to understand or empathize with.
But that’s not how grief works. And truly, there’s perhaps a little beauty in and of the denial of a common grief experience. Each and every loss journey differs, offering us the opportunity to all make meaning from it in our own unique ways.
For example, some of us might choose to tackle grief head on, taking each and every emotion in stride. Others of us might find solace in avoiding our grief. Still others of us might ebb and flow between a combination of the two. There is no right or wrong way; there is just whatever way gets us through.
But when avoiding grief turns into chronic avoidance, we don’t allow our minds and bodies to process our significant loss. Avoidance only wards off the pain for a little while, and in the meantime, it builds up until we willingly choose (or are forced) to face it, as trying as that might be.
Please note that I’m not encouraging abstaining from avoidance altogether. Grief needs breaks, too, which requires a balanced avoidance. The tips below can merely help an individual acquire a healthy relationship with grief, as opposed to cutting oneself off from emotional processing altogether.
Six Tips for Overcoming Grief Avoidance
Keep in mind that just because an emotion is difficult does not make it dangerous. You are allowed to experience your emotions however they arrive, whether it by be yelling and screaming one moment and crying the next, or staring at the wall for a full hour. When we invite our emotions to flow through us how they naturally come to us, we grant ourselves the ability to process. We learn to tolerate the hardship of difficult emotions knowing that it helps us in the long run.
Engage in self-soothing techniques. Self-soothing is the process whereby somebody is able to comfort themselves in times of distress. Perhaps you curl up under a weighted blanket when you feel anxiety welling up within you, or maybe you turn on calming music. You might engage in some breathing exercises or hug yourself as a reminder that you are here. Knowing how to take care of yourself, especially in times of increased discomfort, is ever so important.
Identify exactly what it is you are avoiding. Are you avoiding a specific memory of a person? Perhaps you are steering clear of some feelings of regret for things unsaid? Maybe you are running from feelings of guilt attached to your loss? When we bring our awareness to the source, we are better able to know where our healing attention must go.
Hone in on your avoidance behaviors. Everyone has different avoidant behaviors. Try latching onto which one is your “go-to” and seeking to disengage from that behavior first. You don’t have to bite off more than you can chew and stop doing all of them altogether; you’re allowed to ease yourself into facing your grief gently and compassionately. Some avoidant behaviors might include: isolating from family members and friends; working all of the time so that you stay too busy to think or feel; intentionally withholding yourself from the things that bring you joy and remind you that the world is carrying on without your loved one; staying away from any memories (good or bad) of your loved one; or using unhealthy coping mechanisms like excessive sleep, drinking, or other substances to keep your mind from your loved one.
Schedule time for grief. This might seem a strange one at first, but it’s just like scheduling time for self-care. Give yourself a half hour block every day to face your grief and your emotions. When you do this, you not only hold yourself to a time to process, but you also give yourself solace in knowing that there is an end time on your calendar, as well. This helps you ease into facing your grief without allowing it to overcome you.
Work with a therapist. Finally, please bear in mind that you are not expected to know how to handle your grief in a “healthy” way. Grief isn’t an emotion that any of us ever come to know as second nature; it is different and jarring every single time. With a grief professional like myself to guide you, you can encounter and embrace your grief instead of seeking to escape it.
Finally, I encourage you to reward yourself for doing the difficult work of experiencing emotions. That can be a painful thing, and it’s important to provide yourself respite, too.