7 Ways to Cope with Suicide Loss
Facing the loss of a loved one is always difficult, but losing a loved one to suicide can come with an additional layer of pain and questions.
Along with mourning the loss of life itself, you might find yourself grappling with the nature of their death and the ever-present question of “why.” Your devastation might be further elevated by factors like disenfranchisement and stigma, conflict with cultural or religious beliefs or police questions.
Needless to say, losing someone to suicide is compounded by so much more than the death itself, and as suicide cases are on the rise, I found it important to step into my online space and say this to those of your struggling with suicide loss: Your grief is no less valid. What you are going through is incomprehensible, and it’s natural to want to make meaning of the pain. There is hope.
Below are a number of ways to help you cope in this difficult time. Above all else, remember that it’s okay to ask for help from the right people, like a trusted group of friends and family, or a therapist.
Move beyond the “Why?” It’s likely that this nagging question is spinning in your head without ceasing, causing you to think through scenarios and grasp for adequate answers that won’t come. While trying to comprehend is a normal part of the grieving process, suicide is a complex thing. Someone who is suicidal typically has a skewed view of their own reality and can’t see a rational way through their pain. They likely aren’t thinking of the devastating effects of their absence, much less leaving behind a reason that will bring you any sort of peace. Even if you do find an answer, it won’t change the past or ease your significant grief. I encourage you to come to accept the unknowable and seek to carry your loved one’s legacy forward.
Remember that your loved one’s life is about more than their death. Your loved one’s final act does not define them. Try to reminisce on the aspects of their life that made them who they were and made you both who you were together. What made your relationship so special?
Prioritize your own wellbeing. When the unthinkable happens, it can be difficult to think about our own health. But the stress of grief takes a significant toll, so it’s imperative to do what you can to take care of your mental and physical health. Eat nutritious food, exercise regularly, and try to get a sufficient amount of sleep. And remember: It’s okay to take breaks from your pain, sometimes, too— Seek out things that bring you joy or distract you every now and again.
Join a bereavement support group, ideally one for individuals who have experienced loss at the hands of suicide. Finding people who have experienced something similar can be a source of comfort and understanding in a difficult time. It allows you to share your grief free of stigma and can help you feel less isolated.
Recognize that absolutely anyone can miss the warning signs. Hear me when I say this: It’s not your fault. Okay? It’s not your fault. Even mental health professionals can miss suicidal intentions; they can be disguised or come on seemingly out of the blue. In fact, people who are suicidal don’t necessarily even present a typical set of “warning signs” like desolation and depression. We can never truly know what is going on in someone’s mind, nor can we assume blame for something we could never have truly seen coming.
Reach out for support. The burden of your loss will be too much to bear alone. You shouldn’t, and you don’t have to. Seek out supportive, non-judgmental family and friends. Confide in individuals you trust who seek to understand, not to assess. Talk to a grief counselor like myself. Join a bereavement support group for those left behind to suicide loss.
Use social media carefully. As you might have found out by now, there is a stigma surrounding suicide, and some individuals will not be mindful of your pain and grief. As a result, I encourage you to use social media sparingly as the useful tool it can be for allowing people to share their condolences and tributes. Do your best to avoid the toxic element of people passing judgment when you share your story, and remember: No one can tell you how or when or why to experience your grief.
This is an extremely trying time, and I know that seven “tips” won’t change the fact that you are grieving. But please know: Grief is a journey. It won’t be this way forever. Something that works for you today might not work for you tomorrow; you might have an ‘up day’ today and a ‘down day’ next week. But truly, there is hope on the horizon, and together, we can make meaning from the pain in a way that allows you to move forward with their memory held dear.