What is Anticipatory Grief?
Knowing a significant loss is coming doesn’t make it any easier, any less painful than if you were blindsided. But understanding this type of grief, known as anticipatory grief, can aid in building awareness around your own emotions and experiences.
When we not only know what emotions are at play but how those emotions are temporarily altering our brain chemistry and overall wellbeing, we can better pursue healing within our unique experiences.
What is Anticipatory Grief?
“Life is happening all the while, and there is no trajectory for grief that can be put in the confines of social acceptance. Your experience is exactly that— your experience— and no one can shame you for that. ”
Unlike grief that comes after death (known as ‘conventional grief,’ despite the fact that no grief is truly “conventional” in the typical sense of the word), anticipatory grief is that which occurs before a great loss. It is the lesser known of the grief types — unconventional, if you will— because we more often than not don’t have warning when our life path is about to veer off course.
It is also the less socially acceptable of the grief types because it can be unfairly deemed irrational to experience grief before anything has even “happened.”
Let me assure you: Life is happening all the while, and there is no trajectory for grief that can be put in the confines of social acceptance. Your experience is exactly that— your experience— and no one can shame you for that.
Whether it be the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the downfall of high hopes and dreams, or the changing of roles in a family: Anticipatory grief is the prologue in the grief story.
It is sometimes seen in a positive light because it opens up the opportunity for closure and the reassurance of knowing of what is about to unfold. While this is not always the case, anticipatory grief can provide those who are dying the personal growth opportunity of finding meaning from the pain and coming to terms with their eternal transition peacefully. For family members and friends, it can provide a similar opportunity allowing for closure and remaining time together to be spent in a valuable way.
Alternatively, some might find themselves absent of anticipatory grief because they feel it means they are giving up hope for physical healing of their dying loved one. Neither way is better than the other because it’s entirely unique to you… It’s how your brain is currently able to find solid footing in a very tumultuous experience.
Death aside, anticipatory grief can have positive and negative outcomes in any situation where grieving a significant loss.
For example, if you know that the company you work for is starting to make budget cuts, you might be able to steel yourself for minimizations in your own department and keep an eye out for other employment opportunities that incite your passion. On the other hand, you might just as well get caught up in anxiety that your position will be the one cut… Positive and negative experiences from the same complicated emotion.
Another example: You might have been separated from your spouse for a time and be perfectly aware that a divorce is coming. Positives? You have time to prepare your children or other family members or to decide with your partner how to build an amicable relationship for the sake of your children. Negatives? You might find yourself overtaken by the loss of someone you once loved very much or just love differently now… Positive and negative experiences from the same complicated emotion.
Again: You never know how grief will manifest in your own life or in the lives of others’. Let the judgment fall by the wayside.
Symptoms of Anticipatory Grief
“...nothing is a given where grief is concerned...”
It’s tough to list symptoms when (I’ll say it again and again) no grief experience looks the same for any two people. While some of these might sound like a given, nothing is a given where grief is concerned because it is such a complicated emotion.
Regardless, knowing the facets of grief and how it might manifest in your emotional, physical, and mental experiences can, at the very least, help you understand what exactly is happening and, ultimately, what avenue to take to pursue hope and healing.
Sadness and tearfulness: Nothing is off limits to get the tears start flowing. You might find the littlest thing causes you to well up— a tv commercial, a certain song, the mention of a name. Even after months, you might find it feeling like you’ve just experienced the loss as if it was yesterday. Please don’t feel ashamed of this outward expression of your loss.
Loneliness: Because anticipatory grief is considered less socially acceptable than grief after loss, which is not true in the slightest, this can often lead to isolating oneself further to avoid judgment or shaming.
An excessive need to talk: Loneliness can also make a person yearn for company, which can lead them to talk to anybody and everybody about everything and anything. You might find yourself divulging too much information to the grocery store clerk or talking to your neighbor for going on an hour about last night’s Seinfeld rerun on Netflix. And that’s okay.
Survivor guilt: When anticipatory grief precedes a death, you might find yourself feeling guilty that you are going to get to carry on with life, to go on the trips you’ve always wanted to go on, to see another sunrise and another day. That is such a difficult weight to bear, and it’s a perfectly valid emotional experience.
Rehearsal of the event: You may find it hard to escape the visualization of your loved one’s death or the significant life change impending. Scenarios may run through your mind at warp speed, which can be exhausting and anxiety-inducing. Just know that this is entirely valid and, when done in a healthy way, can help a person process the inevitability of the event.
Physical symptoms like sleeplessness, chronic pain from absorbing tension into the body, or memory issues: The mind/body connection is remarkably strong, and often times, when the mind is under significant strain, it will manifest in the body. Yoga, somatic experiencing, and meditation can help you bring your mind and body in harmony with one another.
Finding Hope in the Experience
Anger, becoming consumed by the person who is dying, compassion fatigue, burnout, and irritability are all additional symptoms of anticipatory grief— and that isn’t even an exhaustive list. If you see one or a combination of these symptoms manifesting in your life in advance of a loss— or just don’t feel like yourself— anticipatory grief is at work, and it might be time to seek out support to guide you with this foreign emotion.
Counseling can help you cope with the insurmountable weight of anticipatory grief and find ways to express and make meaning of your pain. It can also help you feel seen and validated in the midst of an emotion that is isolating and not widely accepted.
Just know that anticipatory grief is absolutely a valid experience, and in the instance of death, this stage of grieving can help you build a sacred space to honor the memory of your loved one long after they’re gone. It can be the gift that offers you more time to prepare, to take all the love you have for that person and put it elsewhere after they’re gone.
Contact me today to navigate anticipatory grief and find a compassionate ally for your healing.