Two Losses: Grieving the Loss of an Estranged Loved One and of What Might Have Been

The more grief and loss journeys I witness in my line of work as a grief counselor, the more resolute I become in my understanding that grief is one of the most fluid and indefinible human experiences in the book. While I know that to be true in both my heart and what I’ve witnessed as a trauma level one chaplain and grief counselor here at Crown of Hope, I suppose there is a part of me that hopes complicated grief will eventually become more timelined, more definable, more researched— for the sake of all of my clients in so much pain. But, of course, that isn’t how grief works. 

I was reminded of grief’s turbulent and unique makeup this last week after my creative director shared an account of a close friend losing his semi-estranged father. This close friend’s parents had split at a young age, leaving him packing a suitcase to spend every summer with a father that— to the best of his comprehension— had left his childhood uncertain and his family splintered. As he grew into adulthood, the close friend learned to forge a relationship of sorts with his father, but of course, there were years and bonding opportunities left unaccounted for and a certain degree of bitterness harbored. 

This story left me pondering the question: Could complicated grief get any more complicated? 

Complicated Grief and Estrangement

“The state of your relationship with your lost loved one does not make them any less loved, nor does it make your grief or your lack of grief invalid.”

Now, you might hear the word ‘complicated’ and immediately think ‘impossible.’ The human brain has a way of word associating and jumping to conclusions. 

Just because grief is classified as complicated does not make it beyond repair or past the point of healing. Instead, complicated grief evolves when a person stays in a heightened, ongoing state of mourning rather than seeing their symptoms fade with time. 

This kind of grief is especially likely when the circumstances surrounding the loss are complex and require a more creative approach to navigating healing— for instance, losing someone with whom your relationship was strained or even non-existent and having to retroactively reconcile that story before reconciling the grief of losing them. If you never had the opportunity to heal your relationship with the estranged person before their time on Earth came to a close, the grief journey becomes even more imbued with complexities and challenges. 

Hear me when I say this: The state of your relationship with your lost loved one does not make them any less loved, nor does it make your grief or your lack of grief invalid.

It means that all of that love you had for that person before your relationship became tense or void never found somewhere to go. It just got buried deep for the sake of “moving on,” and now that your loved one has passed, that unresolved love has resurfaced, asking for somewhere— anywhere— to be placed. 

So where does it go now? How do you move on from here while nursing emotions like resentment, trauma, love, pain, and remorse— often all at once?

Grieving Someone You Barely Knew

First and foremost, it’s important to understand that you have the right to grieve your strained relationship. Just because your bond wasn’t strong does not mean you don’t have permission to mourn their death. In fact, the weight of the “unfinished business” tied up in your relationship makes it all the more reasonable to experience an overwhelming amount of heartache and pain, should that be what occurs for you. 

Don’t judge yourself for experiencing emotions that you have yet to understand. 

In fact, remember that you can experience many emotions at one time or conflicting emotions within close proximity of each other. 

For example, you might feel guilt that you never got the chance to mend what was broken one moment, then find yourself feeling a wave of relief that you no longer have to hold out hope for resolution that may or may not come directly from the family member. Alternatively, you might witness your own anger, sorrow, even happiness existing side-by-side and wonder how that could even be. 

Your emotions can and will co-exist; there is no room for “should” in the emotional experience. Give yourself grace as you navigate the waters of losing so much more than an earthly life. 

Additionally, know that you are allowed to forgive and not forget. Forgiveness does not and never will erase the hurt you’ve harbored for so long, but it does relieve you of the weight of the sorry’s never said or the memories never made. It allows you to put a comma on a story that has had a blinking cursor for far too long now. 

Finally, I encourage you to stay resolute in your narrative. It is true, and it is valid. Estrangement is something that is widely misunderstood and judged by society, but that is merely because they haven’t lived your experience, not because it is an invalid one. Find individuals who support your story and can witness your narrative as it was and continues to be. 

I would be honored to be one of those individuals as you navigate this difficult time in your life. Contact me to learn more.