The Way We Speak About Our Emotions and Experiences
“We expect ourselves to cordon off our emotions as quickly as possible, and by doing so, move through life with only half of the information. We make assessments about our thoughts and behaviors without first knowing the backstory.”
Our emotional processes aren’t quite as simple as a definitive declaration of “I am happy” or “I am sad” immediately following an event. We can’t label our emotions in a heartbeat, no matter how we try.
And yet, we expect ourselves to cordon off our emotions as quickly as possible, and by doing so, move through life with only half of the information. We make assessments about our thoughts and behaviors without first knowing the backstory.
This is how we become disconnected from ourselves. This is how we stray from self-compassion, viewing our emotions with judgment and shame. This is how we wander from empathy for our fellow human. This is a fraction of how we have found ourselves unable to cope with our surroundings during the pandemic— because we don’t always have the words to describe it.
So much of our emotional experience is limited by two things: the guideposts of language and the stigmatized, societal pressure to “just get over it.” I’d like to use this week’s online space to break this down a little more.
How Language Limits Our Emotions and Experiences
Have you ever been trying to tell a story to a friend, recapping an experience detail-for-detail? Then all of a sudden — POOF!— that one detail that you swear makes the whole story worth it is just… gone. Evaporated into thin air. The name of the coffee shop or the word you needed to describe the person you met or the city you passed through on your way somewhere else— No matter how you try, the word just seems to have escaped your mind.
From where you stand, the whole reason for telling the story in the first place was this incredible detail, this beautiful descriptive word. And without it, you feel like the story falls flat.
Ever been there? I know I have.
The same goes for how we speak about our emotions. You see, our emotions are multifaceted and multilayered. There are subsets of “happy,” words like: joyful, bittersweet, elated, proud. There are classes of “anxiety,” words like: overwhelmed, fearful, envious, worried. These words inform how our brain wraps its head, so to speak, around what we are experiencing in real time. It’s how the brain makes sense of input and then signals you to react from there.
So, if we don’t have the words, our brain doesn’t know what message to relay, leaving us without the tools to cope and emotionally regulate appropriately.
In addition to sometimes not having these words at our disposal, we often use the words interchangeably, which only adds to the chaos. For example, did you know that ‘anxious’ and ‘worried’ are not the same thing? While ‘anxious’ is a word that can be used to describe situational anxiety, trait anxiety, or generalized anxiety disorder (again, more multifaceted than we often remember), ‘worried’ is the thinking behavior attached to the anxious feeling. It’s not really an emotion at all, and yet, we use it to describe an emotional experience.
How Culture Keeps Our Emotions Quiet
Meanwhile, we also have the pressures of society reminding us to just keep going, push through, carry on. It isn’t necessarily “acceptable” (in society’s eyes anyway) to take a day. To let yourself cry if you need to, male or female or otherwise. To ask for help. To admit that you don’t have the answers, that you can’t barrel through this time around, that you’re not fine.
I’m here to tell you that not only is it acceptable, it is necessary. Giving yourself permission to not only feel your feelings, but to take the time to process them before labeling them is imperative to the human experience.
Like I said before, labeling our emotions and experiences isn’t something we can necessarily do within a span of thirty seconds. Maybe once you get REALLY good at discerning your emotions, but most of us (myself included) are so far from that thirty-second place.
Labeling our emotions and experiences is exactly what it sounds like: a process. It has steps. It has relative order. It sometimes asks us to go back to step one after we made it all the way to step three. It asks us to have grace, as with any process.
Here’s what I consider a beautiful process to learning to label your emotions and experiences:
Take a deep breath. Not the step one you probably expected, but a necessary one. Remember that there is no rush to learning your own mind and body… After all, you’re not going anywhere.
Learn the language. This is an ongoing process for all of us— one that I will seek to address more and more on this blog— but it’s important to learn what really makes each of these emotions what they are.
Bring your awareness to your felt sense of the emotion. What does the emotion feel like in your body— Does it feel like tension or pressure? Is it dull or throbbing? Where does it live in your body?— Is it in your head or your heart? Is it your right side or your left side? Our bodies hold a wealth of information and are the first point of access for our emotions because they are the one part of us that doesn’t have the ability to judge and discern. Our bodies merely experience and leave the rest up to our minds and spirits.
Assess the elements of your experience. Just like that story you recap to your friend, replay the experience in your head once or twice. Make sure you have the details right. Notice how this instant replay changes (or doesn’t change) the felt sense of the emotion.
Try a few labels on for size. Again, you don’t have to rush to name an experience or emotion “lonely” or “resentful.” You can try a few shades of the emotion and see how it feels to call your emotion or experience that. If it doesn’t sit right with you, try something else.
Ask for help. A mental health professional, who is well-versed in the language of emotion, can be a great accompanying guide as you learn to see yourself and your emotions in a more grace-filled light. To learn more about working with me, contact me today; it would be an honor to walk with you on your journey.
As with any facet of healing, any process, this takes practice. It isn’t easy, and it isn’t always comfortable, but it is entirely worth it.
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